Perineum Sunning Debate Comes to Irvine City Hall — And Some Do Need Sunshine Up Their Butts

The only thing missing during this public comment at Tuesday’s Irvine City Council meeting was a pizza delivery guy with a sausage pizza with extra cheese for Spicoli (look up “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” if you didn’t get this reference).

But two young men, Chad Kroeger (city unknown) and his buddy “JT” (no last name) came to the city council meeting to extol the virtues of Perineum Sunning.  See the clip here.

Perineum sunning has been a health fad for the past few years and involves stripping down, laying on your back, throwing your legs up to near your head, spreading your butt cheeks apart and letting the power of the sun and its positive Vitamin D properties radiate on one’s sphincter for a set amount of time.  Advocates claim 30 seconds of sunlight directly to the butt promote greater energy, better sleep, healing properties and an enhanced libido (take that Viagra!).  Scientists say there is no evidence that exposing one’s perineum (that space between your sphincter and genitals) to the sun does anything other than give 14 year olds something to laugh about.

In 2019, actor Josh Brolin tried it and did it for too long getting a nasty sunburn where the sun don’t shine.  He left a message on one of his social media feeds:

“Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is do not do it as long as I did. My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family… instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain. I don’t know who the f**k thought of this stupid s**t but f**k you nonetheless. Seriously.”  He capped the message with hashtags: “#assholecare”, “#blackholefriday” and “#santamonicafiredepartment.”  So much for the powers of Thanos.

I watched this YouTube clip of the public comment and honestly couldn’t stop laughing.

My favorite moment comes at the 1:09 mark of the clip when Irvine City Attorney Jeff Melching, a man who has done more to limit public comment by even making up a non-existent City Social Media policy to literally silence the public, interrupts to say Chad’s comment is outside the jurisdiction of the City of Irvine.  I’m not sure who — Council member Anthony Kuo or Larry Agran — answers “Mr. Melching, do we not have sunshine in the city of Irvine?” And Chad continues to speak on this as an issue of holistic health.  He turns the mic over to his friend “JT” who asks for a place in a public park where this sunning could be practiced, specifically asking for Bill Barber Park.  He asks Chad to demonstrate the position….. and Chad does; watch the women wearing masks laughing in the background.  OMG.

Now I think these young men are on to something. And the first person who ought to practice this in public at the designated Perineum Sunning Station at Bill Barber Park is Melching himself.  No one in City Hall needs sunshine blown up his ass more than our awful city attorney.  And when his ankles are in the air and the sun is on his bum, I bet we can find where he hid the city’s social media policy memo.  Melching can invite former city manager John Russo and council member Mike Carroll to join him as each has demonstrated attitudes that compare with the body part catching rays.

And this shouldn’t be an Irvine thing at all.  Let’s just say that perineum sunning is an effective way to bypass the need for a mask or the COVID19 vaccine and let certain restaurant owners and white supremacists in Huntington Beach practice this  — for 30 minutes instead of 30 seconds — Tito Ortiz anyone?  Who doesn’t like their buttholes well done?  Maybe Andrew Do can combat his COVID19 positive test and do this in isolation. Don Wagner can do this and ponder microchips being delivered with the Vaccine.  Imagine Fred Whitaker doing this before the OC GOP Central Committee meeting. Just tell Todd Spitzer the TV crews are on the way.  I can see this working for our blogger friends at the OJ blog who routinely embarrass themselves at Anaheim City Council meetings or on Twitter; then we could actually see what giant assholes they really are.  Instead of “Mooning Amtrak” in South County, butt sunning can be done every day!

So for Chad and JT, well done guys.    Ping us when you speak at your next city council meeting.